Meet me at the crossroad

I'm torn.

At the prospect of having to let you go.

I was You once upon a time. Defiant. Obstinant. Walled off. Not too close now or you might get burned. Anger was my constant companion too.

I thought, like You, that it was up to others to prop up my feelings whether I was sad, depressed, bored, mad, or whatever. It was your actions, your sneering tone, your jaded eyes that were obscured behind rose-colored shades that met my rebelliousness. How you loved those shades. So much, you kept several pairs handy for when reality got to be too much for you to handle.

Taking the long way to emotional freedom after being emotionally held hostage by your smothering, controlling and contempt towards me, I must do this for sanity and peace of mind.

I floundered and flailed for years not understnding why I could never earn your love or respect no matter what I did.  Jumping through hoops wore me out. And besides, every conditon for love that was met only raised the emotional stakes.

Dealing with you has touched and scarred every relationship I've had under your domination. I internalized so much of your vileness, I became you, by proxy hiding behind a false self because it was easier to pretend (I thought) than reveal my real self. I lived in constant fear and anxiety.

Your anger always found me as its target, like a boomerang, it bounced back every negative feeling you had about yourself and projected back to me as it was fear of exposing your perfect facade with painful truths that keeps you from acknowledging your abuse. Or it could've been the pills you were addicted to that fried your brain so much that the details are sketchy, if they can even be recalled, but I sure as hell do remember.

Speaking up for myself or standing up to you, especially during my middle and high school years, caused me to psychicly shut down for self preservation.  I emotionally turned off my ability to feel as a way of withstanding the constant barrage of vile messages slung at me, hateful abuse, and messages that came from a supposedly place of love.

At this point I've come to terms with the idea that your narcississm prevents You, a soulless person from ever having emotions towards another person being you are forever stuck in a child-like emotional state that will keep you seeking ways to fill up your soulless ego.

I've been on this eternal search to find myself for awhile.
I've learned much about the dysfunction of narcississm.

So much of it defined my emptiness. 
I felt disconnected and couldn't understand why.

That was then and this is now.

I've pretty much gone no contact with You and other family.
Of the many blow-ups we've had, the one last year put the final nail in the coffin for me. You had your last chance to control me.

I was angry at you, but now I pity you. I'm saddened that you'll die bitter. However,  I don't ever wish ill of you.

I'm finally getting to a place of emotional independence. I stopped long ago expecting validation from you, who's only mission on this earth was to totally engulf me with your unresolved issues because you hadn't dealt with them or was never made aware or just couldn't handle your own emotional dysfunction.

All the things you can't emotionally give me, I give myself.

Love is just not possible with a narcissist.
They cannot give you something they lack. They lack the capacity for humanness and compassion. Any show of emotion is a manipulative ploy to get their grandiose egos stroked. They're addicts in search of supply. You are an object to them. They use you. They need you to keep you in a one-up, one-down position to feel good about themselves. And when the supply stops, they use guilt tactics as well as a host of other tools in their arsenal to get or maintain their supply.

Once you're no longer useful to them, they will discard you like a dirty dish towel.

I am now aware.