Random ish...

Been passion-less for plenty things lately...music, poetry and yes, even writing.

I created this space where I could come to write with the freedom of full expression,yet I still find it hard to find the right words to define myself through my feelings.

I enjoy playing poker. A lot. At first, I was nervous about playing. Once I got the hang of it, my confidence grew. I used to be concerned more about the players, their strategies, their reactions and comments that seemed to be directed towards me. I'd lose my concentration, and over time, I became emotionally frustrated and impatient because they wouldn't play fair.
So used to being invalidated in my family, I shut down my emotions and modelled whatever behavior to escape abuse that STILL managed to find me anyway.

I unconsciously carried scars around with me for so long that each relationship or social interaction became, in my mind, a replica of the dysfunction that was my childhood reality.

Knowing I have these issues of trust doesn't preclude me from wanting to be in a mutually trusting, loving relationship.
Problem is, I have no clue what that looks like.

But being highly emotionally sensitive, rejection can feel like shit in a bag slung over my head like a sledgehammer.
Coming to terms with the crushing rejection of family was something in the making, so I pushed past the pain and hurt to get to the other side, to freedom.

I dealt with it alone. All the anger. All the sadness. All the silence. All the shame. I carried all of it. For safekeeping? So they could feel good about themselves. So they didn't have to face their own shit.

But I always feel like I turn people off with my sharing.  I really feel like if it doesn't have to do with them, they just don't want to be bothered. But they want you to be there for them.

So I worked through my inner turmoil, guilt, sadnes...doing the hard work to heal my demons. When I feel alone, I can usually turn to music or poetry to get over the hump. I'm disheartened to realize that there's never gonna be a family that I will be able to turn to.

I am not a victim. I am just a simple person that just wanna feel loved like anybody else. Just to know what a genuine hug feels like. Just for someone to love me without having ulterior motives.

So it gives me pause when I meet a new person because I'm torn between showing only parts of me to keep a safe distance, or question whether I should lay myself out there on the line, be up front out the gate.  I mentally go back and forth with this as he calls after a couple of back-n-forth messages online.

Nice voice. I'm thinking how easy it is to talk to him as we kick it into second gear, I'm feeling comfortable talking, and then right in the middle of my talking, he cuts me off and says something like "excuse me, I need to get this" and just like that, he' gone.

Whether or not I ever hear from him again won't have me up nights losing sleep. Normally I would let self-doubt creep in and take up post, but I refuse to take it personal.

Progress.